Life. Small word. Easy to say yet hard to define. Whether it is hard, fast, slow, indifferent, or anyway we choose to live it, life is full of choices. It is also full of surprises and full of tension. Full of paved roads that lead nowhere and long strangled paths that lead to wonderful surprises. A place where what we believe,what we hope we believe, is played out in a hard and sometimes bitter way.
As I sit here typing my mind is also in the other room. My mom, laid out and beaten down by cancer, is in there. Her mind is still there when she can manage the strength to show up in the land of the conscious. In the quiet times when she does not have the strength, I am torn by the fact of her impending death and the tension of hope. My Faith is tested because I hope for, yet wonder, truly does a new journey begin when this one is over. I hurt, yet I am somewhat amazed, as just one side of her body lifts and rises with each jagged breath. Hurting because I know she is suffering. Amazed at how fragile life is but also how wonderfully made we are, that even when we are not at our physical best, life try’s to finds a way.
We will all walk this out. We have choice but life demands our best. We will continue to hope that Faith will be played out not for our will but the betterment of others. We will live. We will pursue faith and we will live in the tension of the here and now. The tension is heavy upon my complete being but deep within there is Peace. I am going to go now. I will tell my mom I love her, again, and hold her hand some more.
for sure a new journey has begun for your mother; her spirit is probably lingering and smiling at you, seeing a much-larger picture than we’re capable of seeing. she’ll move on, though if you look close enough, you’ll see her smiling at you in unexpected places.
i am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this.
Sometimes we must just let Faith rule and Hope reign and simply embrace the mystery of both.
Thanks for your kind words and the window you have opened to us here on WordPress so we may see beyond ours.
Peace, The Jagged Man